Thursday

Relationship Patterns Do Not Lie


Photo By: Eyes of the World Media Group

Relationship Patterns Do Not Lie
By Bob Grant (c)

Many men and women know the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result) and in spite of this knowledge, they continue to date or marry the same type of person while expecting a different result.

Most therapists who have been practicing for a few years are familiar with this pattern. Usually those individuals who practice relationship insanity only enter therapy because they are in intense pain and they are desperate.

Often a woman will enter my office (since most of my clients are women) for relief from her heartache rather than to gain insight into her problems. Most of these women (men too) want their circumstances to be different, but they often don't want to change their behavior that is contributing to their pain.

During a session it is very common to have such a client nod in agreement when I point out WHY they are having trouble and then leave the session and repeat the same behavior. If it wasn’t so tragic, it would be funny.

What a good therapist is supposed to do is learn from their client’s history in relationships and help them identify their particular pattern. Focusing only on an isolated incident isn't very effective because most people believe it is a one time occurrence caused by circumstances beyond their control.

They truly believe that they are an innocent victim who is powerless over their current circumstance (usually regarding a romantic relationship). Their hope is that I will be able to help them identify the “mistake” they made with a particular man and tell them exactly what to do to fix the relationship.

What many of these women struggle with is that their current circumstances are a reflection of a pattern in their life and until they identify that pattern, they are doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes with men.

This concept became vividly clear to me years ago when I worked as a Group Therapy leader in an inpatient hospital setting. In my group there were all types of individuals who found themselves overpowered by their day to day life and in need of healing.

I began to notice that within my group there were many women who were involved with men who were alcoholics. Their stories were different and yet they all had an eerie pattern of familiarity. They found the men "exciting" and felt an instant "chemistry" and couldn't understand how the same man could turn out to be so mean, insensitive and hurtful.

As their time in my group progressed some of these women found the strength (although temporarily) to begin setting limits with or even leaving such abusive men and when they did the group cheered their courage.

Fast forward 2 months. In nearly ever case the same women who had left their abusive relationship would begin dating someone new. He was different they assured the group and in many ways the new man in their life was different until they had dated him for a few weeks or months and seemingly out of nowhere, the same abusive traits of the former boyfriend or husband began to manifest in their new boyfriend.

I saw this pattern repeated so many times that I stopped counting. Usually by the third relationship I and the group had enough "evidence" to show the woman in question their relationship pattern with men.

It wasn’t that they intentionally sought out these type of men, but a subconscious belief was attracting them to these type of men based on their low self esteem. Those that were willing to pay more attention to patterns rather than intense feelings were able to date different type of men and ended up with a wonderful marriage.

Those who insisted that all they needed to do was find the right man were destined to continue their downward spiral indefinitely regardless of the amount of relationship advice or intense therapy they undertook.

Do you know your relationship pattern? Do you know what the men you have dated have in common? It won’t be obvious, but if you take some time you will be able to see a pattern and if you don’t like this pattern, you can change it.

When a person is willing to learn from their mistakes by accepting responsibility for their patterns, they then have the ability to change those patterns which in turn produces wonderful results.

For more Relationship tips click here.

Wednesday

Anger Tells Us Lies


Photo By: Eduard Titov

Anger Tells Us Lies
By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna (c)

Anger tells us many lies. One common lie is that once we are angry, there is little we can do to stop feeling that way, we must act it out. Like a person overcome by alcohol when we become drunk with anger we feel as though it has us in its grip. Nothing can be further from the truth. We always have a choice about how to handle the feelings that arise. One by one we will now turn around some of the lies anger tells and gain true control.

Anger Is A Choice We Make

Believe it or not, anger is a choice we make. We feel justified in being angry, and this justification stokes the flames and keeps the problems alive. Once this justification sets in, we basically choose to hold onto our anger until we can get revenge.

Now, here is a lie anger tells frequently. It leads us to believe that revenge is sweet and once we get it, we'll feel good and things will be in harmony. Actually the opposite happens. Revenge does not hurt the person we are angry with. Our wish for revenge, our rage, lives inside us and poisons our own lives in many ways.

Dr. Deepak Chopra has said "The most common and direct cause of illness is anger." It is toxic for us and this toxin spreads to all aspects of our body and minds. Some of the effects of this wish for revenge include illness, high blood pressure, heart attacks, aging, lack of love, continual irritation and is the fuel for the number one illness in our nation depression.

In order to choose out of anger, in order to take specific steps that will stop anger on the spot we must first truly realize the terrible toll anger takes upon us. Rather than feel we have a right to be angry, that revenge is sweet or that our anger is making us powerful and strong, we must face the fact that this anger we are harboring is destroying our own happiness, health, clarity, peace, relationships, creativity, happiness and overall well being. The best gift you can give yourself is to let go of anger, one kind each day.

Another lie anger tells is that when you are angry you are filled with power and strength. However, the rush an individual gets from anger is counterfeit, a substitute for real strength. After the anger passes, and the consequences of the anger set in, the person usually feels weak and depleted. Often there is considerable regret for words spoken or action taken rashly.

Real strength includes the ability to refuse the false rush anger brings us, to have the power to see the entire situation for what it really is and respond with clarity and compassion. This is seldom an outcome that anger brings. It is the anger itself that keeps a person out of control. It clouds their judgments, creates enemies where friends used to be, and generally keeps the person who holds it in a prison without bars.

Another lie anger tells is that the angry person is definitely right and everyone else is wrong. A false sense of decisiveness is created. It becomes easier to take action (though the action is almost always off base). When anger subsides a person can see the larger picture and has available many ways of handling a situation that they do not have when under they are filled with rage. Suspiciousness and paranoia, which arise during, anger, and may well be unfounded, recede.

For more Relationship tips click here.

Thursday

Picking Up Women More Effectively


Photo By: Mr Andrew Murray

Picking Up Women More Effectively

By Simon Heong

Here's the mindset you should have if you really want to be successful when it comes to dating and meeting women.

Firstly, take all the things that your mom & dad ever taught you about how to treat and date a woman and do the exact OPPOSITE!

It's not a secret anymore that even though a woman constantly says that all she wants is a nice, sweet, and caring guy in their life, often times they're actually lying to themselves -- without them even realizing it!

It's true!

Seriously.

In the movies, yes, the girl always falls for the nice guy, but in real life, especially more so if you really want to be able be with as many women as possible in your lifetime - the nice guy route will get you nowhere and you'll end up getting nothing but rejections.

I'm not going to go into the details on the 'why' part of it because most of you might have already know about it.

Just in case you still don't know why, you can read all about it here in my "28 SureFire Ways To Instant Dating Success! Handbook...

But what I AM going to talk about today is why do women, especially attractive ones can act rather 'bitchy' and rude sometimes and how you can effectively pick up one - with ease.

First of all, you have to understand that attractive women, they get 'hit on' one way or another at least 10 times a day everyday - consistently.

Now at first it may all seem happy and nice with them receiving all the attention from the guys, and sure they can be all cutesy and polite to them whenever they're being approached but after a while, it all tends to get rather irritating and annoying - merely because they're hearing the same ol' lines, howlings and perv stares over and over again.

Exact words from a woman's mouth - not mine.

So what they do about it?

Well in order for them to 'save time', they would then be 'forced' to be more 'to the point' or as we like to call it 'bitchy' to the guys that approach them.

Why must they be so mean?

Simply because they HAVE to.

You see, if they weren't mean enough, guys who are usually thick-skinned will not get the point and they'll keep on pursuing UNTIL she says a firm no.

Makes sense?

How do I know this? Well, to be honest with you, it was merely by chance. I didn't get any of it at first until I started to really mix with women.

Sometimes, it's really good to have close girl friends because you might learn a LOT from them. I now begin to see it all from THEIR perspective now...

How to approach a woman?

Now, I've noticed that most guys (the majority of them actually), whenever they approach a woman, they always start off by saying something like 'Hi there, you're gorgeous, oh by the way, my name's John, what's yours? I'd like to get to know you, bla bla bla..."

Heard of such a line before?

Or probably something along these lines?

Now, think about it. If you're a girl and you get asked the same question about 5-10 times a day, do you think that there's a high chance that you'll get immune to it?

Of course you would!

And I'm not guessing here because I had a girl friend who once told me the same thing that I'm telling you now!

It's just too 'typical' for them to receive such lame, everyday 'pick up' lines.

Best thing is, do you know instead what they would rather hear?

Try this:

Go up to her, and just give her a funny compliment on something she LEAST expects to get a compliment on (NEVER compliment her looks, she's immune to that, remember?), you can compliment on her funky hairstyle, her heels, her big ears -- anything.

Just as long as its something she LEAST expects to hear from a guy.

Using humour is always good in picking up women. Humor added with a bit of spunk, along with a spot-on sarcastic tone and body language will definitely seal the deal for you -- and get her interested.

Surely.

Think about it.

This works. :-)

For more Dating tips click here.