We Desire to Know and be Deeply Known

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We Desire to Know and be Deeply Known
By Kris & Anita Rossow

“A soul mate is someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as through the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life.” - Thomas Moore

Our Core Needs as a Human Being

Deep within each human being is a desire to feel connected physically, emotionally and spiritually to another person - to know and be deeply known. In some cases this desire permeates our everyday lives and we become obsessed with it and in other cases it is a gentle nagging reminder in the back of our mind constantly.

The core needs of a human being are to find acceptance, value and belonging in the world. Different people choose varying means to meet these core needs.

The plethora of clubs and community groups in society exist to cater to our hunger for connection or belonging with other human beings. Our need to have a meaningful relationship with others is met through these groups of ‘like minded’ people. Being a part of a group gives us opportunity to develop friendships and learn more about our area of interest.

We are created primarily for relationship. When we intentionally mix with others our character develops as our ideas and beliefs are sharpened and challenged. Such groups enrich our lives.

Alongside our desire to feel as if we belong and are connected with other human beings is our desire to be valued and accepted in life. We primarily seek this value and acceptance from the people we are closest to. This idea links with our desire to find a soul mate, the person with whom we can be vulnerable and journey through life.

Deep down we know that through our willingness to be vulnerable with another person we will find happiness and contentment and be deeply valued and accepted for who we are.

Understanding that our core needs as a human being are for acceptance, value and belonging helps us to recognize the deep desire we have to know another person and be deeply known by them.

Searching for acceptance, value and belonging in the wrong places can lead us down a destructive path. Many people have tried to meet one or more of these core needs through partying, giving into peer pressure, taking drugs or unhealthy relationships based on sex and co dependency leading to feelings of shame and guilt.

Understanding our design, the fact that we were created with these core needs, releases us to discover how we can meet these needs in a healthy way.

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Why He Doesn't Call Back

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Why He Doesn't Call Back

By Kara Oh

One of the biggest issues women have with men is "Why didn't he call back?" We know why insensitive men don't call back, they're creeps.

But what about men who seem too nice to be that rude? After talking to a lot of men about this problem, this is what it boils down to:

1) She said too much. Men tell me that many women go into way too much detail about their past relationships, especially of a sexual nature. Men don't want to hear it, even if they ask to tell them.

2) She talked about all the bad things every man ever did to her...and she blames me. Men hate it when a woman blames them for what some jerk before them did to her. It's like they're guilty until proven innocent.

3) She's angry at men. She's got a chip on her shoulder about men and carries a bit of anger toward all men...simply because they're men. This is a variation on #2 but it's about men in general, rather than specific men and incidences.

4) She lacks some or all of the qualities he's looking for. Most any woman's list of expectations regarding men, marriage, and relationships is pretty long. Consequently, most women settle for a man that lacks some of the qualities she was looking for. A man's list is very short.

For example, if a man's list of what he's looking for in that special woman is four items long, if one item is missing, that's one/quarter of what he needs. If its missing, he's gone...without an explanation.

5) She has sex too soon. Yes, most men want to get a woman into bed as soon as possible. But, if a woman he's really interested in has sex with him too soon, he quits calling because he figures if she did it with him so easily, she probably did with others, equally soon in the relationship.

It's a double standard, of course, but I'm just reporting the news. And ladies, don't say, "I don't usually have sex so soon." He won't believe it, even if it's true. He's heard it before.

He wants to think you're kind of pure, and maybe only had sex with the few men you were truly in love with. Wait until you think this man could become Mr. Right.

He'll respect your desire to wait. If not, isn't it nice to find out now. Okay, you haven't done any of those things but he still doesn't call back. Again, setting aside that he isn't an insensitive creep, what's the deal?

Here are the two reasons that it boils down to: He's not ready to get involved, and/or...you're not the right one. Pretty simple. You may be great, perfect, actually, for another guy, just not this guy. It reflects nothing bad on you, it's just that his list of requirements is very short compared to yours.

Maybe five or six items. If only one of those items is missing, that's a pretty big percentage of the package he's looking for. What you need to learn to do is say, "Next."

I hope this sheds some light on why men do those frustrating things they do.

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'Red Flags' in a Relationship

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'Red Fla
gs' In a Relationship
By Sandra L. Brown, M.A.

I am often asked what my ‘red flags’ are as a therapist when I am counseling a couple and I sense he might be dangerous. There certainly ARE specific things that I have trained my ear to listen for because they are often indicators of more serious problems often attached to dangerous behavior.

These include:
Pacing of the relationship:

If its 24/7 it’s not that he’s “just that into you.” Pathological men have agendas about getting the relationship to appear ‘intense’ and ‘deep’ quickly. They want to usher you into the middle of the relationship before you figure out his agenda or respond to your own red flags. Predators have told me in group that their move is to ‘sweep them off their feet’ by overwhelming them with intensity of emotion, time, and gifts.

Women who get into intense relationships in which quickly they are seeing each other constantly, not having an outside life, and have the sensation of being ‘breathless’ from the pace of the relationship are often with a dangerous man. Many different types of dangerous men often try to move in quickly or marry quickly. Both of which should be a red flag to a woman. Women should always be in charge of the pace of the relationship which should be SLOW. Women should also change the pace of the relationship and see how he responds. Normal men accept that you ask for more time to yourself, dangerous men do not. They guilt and shame you into keeping the pace at THEIR rate, not yours.

Serial Relationships:

Women often ignore a man’s history of failed relationships. Guys with histories of multiple failed relationships have difficulty being alone so they rapidly seek other relationships without reflection on the failed one. This lack of insight in the failed relationship increases his pacing so that women are hurried into a relationship before figuring ‘why’ he has so many failed relationships. One clue I always listen for is his relational history—how many relationships, why they ended, what he has to say about his own responsibility in them ending, and what he says about the woman now. Men who take no responsibility for their actions often have mental health issues as do men who never say anything good about any of the women they have been with.

His History:

Women need to find information about his criminal, mental health, and relationship history. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. There are on-line background search sites that can do this. Women often discount a man’s criminal history. His criminal history is good predictors of future violence, other criminality and sometimes mental health issues. Likewise, his mental health history matters! If he has been diagnosed with a mental condition, most conditions INCREASE with time, age, and stress. Mental conditions are highly unpredictable and how he appears ‘now’ is not a guarantee of any stability in the future. All of his histories matter: criminal, mental health, and relational.

Enduring Patterns of Behavior:

Women often believe they can ‘change’ men once they are in a relationship with it. It’s one of our characteristics we don’t like to admit! But it is often part of our belief system. But if he has ‘always been this way’ he may have a pathological disorder which is determined by looking at enduring patterns of behavior that don’t change. Chronic womanizing, unrelenting unemployment, long histories of addictions, etc. are all examples of enduring patterns of behavior. We begin to suspect pathological (which means a permanent disorder) when people have long histories of certain behaviors. These behaviors will not be changed by you, or likely, anyone else, including professionals.

His pattern of selection:

The types of women he has dated can reveal the type of woman he targets. A history of emotionally unhealthy women should be a red flag. Some men love victimized women, others like women with low self esteem, or financially dependent women. What are the women like he has been with and why are you now one he wants to be with?

If these are red flags for me, they certainly should be for women as well. Women who end up with dangerous man-after-dangerous man is women who ignore the warning signs, like these, and often ‘hope’ they are going to get different results than what the professionals are advising. Don’t be one of them!

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5 Myths About Women Revealed

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5 Myths About Women Revealed

By Giuseppe Notte

1. Women don't like or enjoy sex as much as you do.

Is there anyone who still believes this? Read an issue of Cosmopolitan or watch an episode of Sex and the City, and you'll know what's up. When you're fighting hard for that tiny little bang (which is supposed to be your orgasm) while your girl has just gone off for the third time in a row, it makes you wonder who really enjoys sex more, right?

Whenever you go out, keep this in mind: The girl you're talking to wants to have sex every bit as much as you do. It's just that she needs more time to relax and lose her inhibitions, because society is likely to label a more sexually active girl a "whore." Just provide the circumstances in which she can feel comfortable in your company, and the rest is guaranteed.

2. Women don't like porn and aren't turned on by visual triggers.

There's an urban legend that women don't like to watch porn -- well, my friend, it's time to blow that one out of the water. The fact is they DO like to watch porn -- it's just that they won't admit it. According to my girlfriends and countless other women I've asked, upon seeing a new man, a woman always looks at his ass first -- and even librarian types will sneak a second or third glance.

Although women tend to be more attuned to their other senses -- sounds and smells -- than men, visual triggers are just as important to them. Your girlfriend will occasionally watch a porn flick when she's horny, although she won't spend an hour every day searching for sex on Google.

3. Women like badass machos who are rough and don't show any emotion.

It's a common misconception in our society that men should be as badass as Chuck Norris and never cry or show any emotion. If you think this is the key to getting laid, then I hate to be the one to break it to you, but being badass won't make you a man.

A man is confident and knows how to lead a woman and how to make decisions. But a man should also be passionate and capable of showing emotion toward a woman.

Would you prefer a teddy bear to a real, live girl? Just as you like it when your girlfriend gives you a kiss or caresses your face, she also likes to feel the same kindness from you.

4. Women need a lot of freedom, and they hate to be controlled.

Don't be afraid to show emotion and tenderness when you're with a girl -- but please be careful not to become a wimp and lose control. A woman likes to be controlled by a strong man to a certain degree, and to keep her, you must be prepared to give her your own special brand of "tough love."

A girl likes to feel secure and likes to have a guy who is able to protect her. But how can she feel secure that you can provide for her properly if you let her take control? Taking control might feel nice to her the first time she does it. But after a while, she finds it increasingly boring and tiresome.

A woman does need freedom, but at the same time, she likes to be taken care of. Thus, a man who knows how walk that thin line between giving her enough space and making all her decisions for her will be very attractive to a woman.

5. You need to become a player and develop serious game to attract women.

To attract women, you don't need any fancy techniques or skills. What you DO need is to learn how to take care of yourself and dress properly, to develop certain social skills, to live your life with passion (note that passion doesn't have to mean bungee jumping; you can be passionate about everyday things too) and to loosen up and be yourself around women.

If you're starting from ZERO, there's a learning curve you'll have to go through. Most important, you need to approach and talk to many women before you can actually come out of your shell and be your true self. Interacting with many women is also key to finding your Manliness, which you may have been pressured to hide by society and/or your upbringing. Your shortlist for success is:

a. Take care of yourself.

b. Go out and socialize.

c. Be passionate about your life, and feel good in your skin.

d. Let go of societal pressure to have a girlfriend, and you'll see that she comes to you when you least expect her.

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